Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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