This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
