I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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