I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
