Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
