he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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