Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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