somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
