Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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