life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
