the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
