Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
