i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize