Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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