mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
