All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize