Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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