She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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