Umm I'm too high to move.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
