i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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