i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
