Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
