this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
