I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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