I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im holly from the hills drunk
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I lost the right to judge tonight
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
