im having a threesome with these popsicles
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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