I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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