Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
