I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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