Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
