She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
