mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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