We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He passed out mid-signature
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
