I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
