i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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