Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
