I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
