I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
