how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
