Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
