booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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