I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
