I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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