Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
