Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
