i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize