I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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