Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
