A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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