he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
