What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
