I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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