At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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