I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
