Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
