Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
