I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Is it because I queefed?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
