My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
