Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
