i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
