Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
did i just pee glitter
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
