The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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