I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
