So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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