First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
